What are you trying to control externally that isn’t yours to control? Your children’s behavior? Your partner’s habits? How others see you? The way your partner loves you?
Ouch, that last one hits hard for many of us, myself included. This is why the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman is so popular! "I need you to love me like this..." And yes, while this can be very useful information for a relationship (I'm a huge fan!), we must also relinquish our perpetual desire to control what love should look like. More often, what we're really seeking underneath all of that is simply connection with those we love.
What if we stepped back and realized that some of our greatest pain comes from the expectations and desires we impose on our loved ones that are completely outside of our control? And, in the majority of our interactions, there is actually nothing personal happening... no intent to hurt, no desire to compete, no judgment of who we are. We are all just flawed human beings interacting together, each with our conditioning and wounds and unique views. We can usually accept this about our friends or even strangers, but what about our partners and our children? Do we give them the reins to our peace and happiness too easily? Isn’t that far too much responsibility for them, when they are also flawed humans who will make inevitable mistakes and disappoint us?
So the question really is... Do we safeguard and source our own peace and happiness from within, so it's always in our control to regulate and return back to when we need it? Life's inevitable conflicts and disagreements will always be presenting us with this challenge. It's something that requires our attention and mindful practice, and yes, it becomes easier the more we learn to recenter there. I help guide individuals, couples, and families to understand their unique patterns and styles of communicating that directly influence the way they treat one another. But the work on yourself is part of that process... An understanding that your happiness stems from you first.
And I see you... your whole beautiful self, struggling with wanting to be understood, to connect, to guide, and to be loved. I speak with infinite compassion for both the light and dark in you and help you discover your inner strength. This strength then opens us to trust, vulnerability, love, and also compassion toward our loved ones - all of the tools we must have for true, meaningful connection.
Don’t let your fear of losing control of the external prevent you from having the strongest connections and love in your life. You are capable of having an inner wellbeing and peace in your life that acts as an ever present and steady source for connection with your loved ones. You can learn to recognize when that source is in need of care and replenishment and how to fulfill that need anytime. You'll always know where to find it, because it's in a safe place - within you.
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